{"id":1537,"date":"2013-07-24T17:12:54","date_gmt":"2013-07-24T15:12:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/?p=1537"},"modified":"2014-04-01T22:32:07","modified_gmt":"2014-04-01T20:32:07","slug":"sevilmeye-deger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/?p=1537","title":{"rendered":"SEV\u0130LMEYE DE\u011eER"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bu g\u00fcn geriye bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda bu yaz\u0131m\u0131 okurken g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemesini g\u00f6r\u00fcr gibiyim.\u00a0\"\" <\/strong>Eskiden\u2019de \u00e7ok yak\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131 g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemek ona. G\u00fcl\u00fcmsemekten asla vazge\u00e7memesi gerekti\u011fini defalarca s\u00f6yledi\u011fimi hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. O g\u00fcl\u00fcmsedi\u011fi zaman etrafa yayd\u0131\u011f\u0131 mucizevi \u0131\u015f\u0131k \u0131s\u0131t\u0131rd\u0131 sanki i\u00e7imi. Kalbimdeki, ac\u0131lar kafamadaki sorular bir bir yok olurlard\u0131 sanki. Kaderimizdi bizim; hi\u00e7 ummad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bir anda bizi uzun y\u0131llar \u00f6nce biraraya getiren. Beklenmeyen bir girdab\u0131n f\u0131rt\u0131nal\u0131 bir a\u015fk denizinin i\u00e7ine s\u00fcr\u00fckleyen, \u00f6yle bir bir a\u015fkt\u0131. Bu a\u015fk hem bu kadar ger\u00e7ek, bir okadar s\u0131rlarla doluydu. \u00d6yle bir a\u015fkt\u0131 bizimkisi hem bu kadar yak\u0131n hem bu kadar mesafeli ya\u015fanabilirdi. O unutulmayan y\u0131llar da ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bu \u00f6l\u00fcms\u00fcz a\u015fk, heyecan, mutluluk, bilinmezlik, karma\u015fa ve sessizlik. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bu bizim imkans\u0131zl\u0131klar\u0131 giyinmi\u015f a\u015fk\u0131m\u0131zd\u0131 kahkaha, g\u00f6zya\u015f\u0131yd\u0131 ve aksesuarlar\u0131 bir vard\u0131 bir yoktu. Tesad\u00fcflerin kurban\u0131 da olsa f\u0131rt\u0131nas\u0131na kap\u0131ld\u0131klar\u0131 a\u015fk denizini ge\u00e7meleri imkans\u0131zd\u0131. \u00c7ok uzun y\u0131llar korkutucu bilinmezli\u011fin i\u00e7inde savruldu bu a\u015fk. Kalplerde iz b\u0131rakacak kadar masum, hi\u00e7 bir zaman unutulmayacak , belkide iki delinin yaz\u0131lmam\u0131\u015f hikayesi olacakt\u0131..<\/p>\n

O benim nefesimdi; ben nefes ald\u0131k\u00e7a ruhum ona, unun nefesinde bana do\u011fru esen r\u00fczgarlarda bula\u015facakt\u0131. Sarho\u015f d\u00fc\u015flerim, s\u0131nanm\u0131\u015f dualar\u0131m, ger\u00e7ekliklerim, hayallerim, umduklar\u0131m ve umupta bir t\u00fcrl\u00fc \u00a0bulduklamad\u0131klar\u0131m var benim bu a\u015fkta. \u00c7ok sevdi\u011fim, sayg\u0131 duydu\u011fum bir hayat\u0131m, \u00e7ok ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m hayal k\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131klar\u0131 ve karars\u0131zl\u0131klar\u0131m, \u00e7ok s\u00f6vd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm var. Kalbim var, mant\u0131\u011f\u0131m var hatta bazen bu ikisini koordine edemeyen iki farkl\u0131 ruhum var benim. Bazen duras\u0131m, bazen oturas\u0131m, bazen kalkas\u0131m, bazen konu\u015fas\u0131m, bazen susas\u0131m var ve hatta bazen yazas\u0131m bazen bozas\u0131m var. Benim sessiz \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar\u0131m, h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc kahkahalar\u0131m, sudan \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f bal\u0131k anlar\u0131m, tecr\u00fcbeyle sabit hatalar\u0131m var. Benim duymu\u015flu\u011fum, g\u00f6rm\u00fc\u015fl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm, \u015fa\u015f\u0131rm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m, s\u0131nanm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m hatta ya\u015fam\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131m var. Susuzlu\u011fum, sessizli\u011fim, bazen \u015fen \u015fakrak ne\u015feli kalabal\u0131klar\u0131m, bazen unutulmaz an\u0131lar\u0131m, sakl\u0131 mucizelerim, savruldu\u011fum f\u0131rt\u0131nalar\u0131m var. Hayat\u0131m\u0131n i\u00e7inden hayat, be\u011fenesim sonra da onlar\u0131 kalemimle ka\u011f\u0131da d\u00f6k\u00fc\u015f\u00fcm var.\"\"<\/p>\n

Okuyun bak\u0131n size anlatacaklar\u0131m var! Her \u015feyin \u00e7ok uzun bir zaman i\u00e7indeki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bir ana bir saniyeye ba\u011fl\u0131 olmas\u0131 komik de\u011fil mi? Her \u015feyi de\u011fi\u015ftirebilen k\u0131sac\u0131k bir an. Bir \u00f6m\u00fcr i\u00e7indeki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcc\u00fck bir k\u0131r\u0131lma noktas\u0131. Bir anl\u0131k bir bak\u0131\u015f, anl\u0131k bir dokunu\u015f, bir anl\u0131k kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fma, ani bir tesad\u00fcf ya da bir an\u2018l\u0131k dikkatsizlik. \u00c7aresizlik diz boyu! Hayat\u0131mda her \u015feyin an\u2018larla y\u00f6netildi\u011fini fark etti\u011fim g\u00fcnden beri b\u00f6yleyim ben. \u015eim\u015fek gibi \u00e7akan k\u0131r\u0131lma noktalar\u0131n\u0131n hayatlara y\u00f6n verip, geri kalan her \u015feyi \u015fekillendirdi\u011fini kabullendi\u011fim g\u00fcnden beri, sadece o an\u0131 ya\u015famaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Anl\u0131k olaylardan keyif al\u0131p, anl\u0131k \u00fcz\u00fcnt\u00fcler duyuyorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7ok uzun sand\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z hayat bir an bir nefes kadar k\u0131sa asl\u0131nda ve ben o anlara tak\u0131l\u0131p ge\u00e7en zaman\u0131 onun hissettirdikleriyle ya\u015f\u0131yorum, hepsi bu! Ve ben; beni vuran, beni u\u00e7urumun kenar\u0131ndan a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 b\u0131rakan, beni donduran o son an\u0131 ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan beri, devam\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeyi b\u0131rakt\u0131m d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnm\u00fcyorum. Ne gerek vard\u0131ki? \u015fu an\u0131 ya\u015famak dururken o an\u0131 her \u015feyi uzat\u0131p kafa yormaya, bekleyip umut beslemeye, \u00fcz\u00fcl\u00fcp k\u0131r\u0131lmaya, k\u0131zar\u0131p bozarmaya, k\u0131rg\u0131nl\u0131klar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnerek vakit harcamaya ne gerek vard\u0131? Susarak sessizli\u011fimi dinledi\u011fim o uzun geceden sonra, kendi sessizli\u011fim gecelerin girdab\u0131nda savrulurken ve tam\u2018da olmam gereken yerdeydi. Buydu asl\u0131nda. Hayata tutunabilmek, i\u00e7imdeki karma\u015fay\u0131 dindirebilmek ve kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m yerden devam edebilmek i\u00e7in kendime an\u0131lar yaratmaktan vazge\u00e7tim. \u015euursuzlu\u011fu se\u00e7ti\u011fimi sanmay\u0131n sak\u0131n, zaten ben hep b\u00f6yleydim. De\u011fildim, hay\u0131r! Hi\u00e7 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kadar umursamaz, bir o kadar havai, \u00e7ingen misali u\u00e7uk, hatta zaman zaman bencil ve egoist de\u011fildim ben. Hayata daha yeni ba\u015flarken ve her \u015fey \u00e7ok daha basitken, d\u00fcnya g\u00fcnl\u00fck g\u00fcne\u015flik ve herkes yan\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131mdayken arkam s\u0131vazlan\u0131rken ben, bu ben de\u011fildim. Aksine; hen\u00fcz askere bile gitmemi\u015f yolun ba\u015flar\u0131ndayken daha a\u011f\u0131rba\u015fl\u0131 biriydim. Daha makul d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcr, daha emin ad\u0131mlar atmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131m. Daha planl\u0131 ya\u015far, \u00a0kurallar\u0131 \u00e7i\u011fnemeyen yap\u0131dayd\u0131m. Do\u011frusu b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fck\u00e7e olgunla\u015fmad\u0131m, olgunla\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fcm ve hayat\u0131n \u00e7ok da \u00f6nemsenecek bir yan\u0131 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark ettim.<\/p>\n

\u015ea\u015f\u0131rt\u0131c\u0131, de\u011fil mi ?<\/p>\n

De\u011fil asl\u0131nda. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc k\u0131sac\u0131k hayat\u0131m\u0131z b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey i\u015fte. Kafya takmaya \u00a0de\u011fmeyecek kadar s\u0131radan. A\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 fark edip \u00f6nemsedi\u011fin an ise y\u00fck\u00fc \u00fczerine d\u00fc\u015fecek kadar da kudretli. Durup d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum ve k\u0131sac\u0131k, saniyelik olaylar\u0131n bizi y\u00f6netti\u011fine \u015fahit oldu\u011fum d\u00fcn geceye gidiyorum . Beni \u015fimdiki ben yapan o ilk yaz\u0131\u015f\u0131. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum, g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u00fcyorum, sersemle\u015fiyorum, panik ya\u015f\u0131yorum, korkuyorum, sakinle\u015fiyorum, tekrar g\u00fcl\u00fcms\u00fcyorum ve oldu\u011fum ana geri d\u00f6n\u00fcyorum. Ve ben galiba hayata; bir tek o anl\u0131k bak\u0131\u015f\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrken tak\u0131yorum.\"\"<\/p>\n

Gerisi hik\u00e2ye. Dedim ya, o yaz\u0131\u015f ve gerisi; ger\u00e7ekten koca bir hik\u00e2ye! \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ha\u015fmetli hayat, s\u00fcrprizlerle dolu y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc ilk kez y\u0131llar\u0131n ard\u0131ndan o g\u00fcn \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131 kar\u015f\u0131ma. O g\u00fcn\u00fcn seherinde bir anda kaybetti\u011fim gibi buldum onu. Kaybetti\u011fimde gen\u00e7tim, toydum ve kan\u0131m deli ak\u0131yordu. Sab\u0131r denilen \u015feyin ne oldu\u011funu tam olarak \u00f6\u011frenmedi\u011fim ya\u015flar\u0131md\u0131. \u0130\u015fte bu sessiz \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131kla birlikte, i\u00e7imden ani bir \u00f6fke dalgas\u0131n\u0131n y\u00fckseldi\u011fini hissettim. Anl\u0131k bir refleksle yerimden kalkt\u0131m, yan\u0131mdaki sandalyeden h\u0131zla \u00e7antam\u0131 \u00e7ekip ald\u0131m ve omzuma ast\u0131m. \u00dczerimi \u015f\u00f6yle bir d\u00fczelttim ve g\u00f6z\u00fc d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015f hareketlerle hem de \u00f6yle uzun uzun d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeden ve ne yapaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bile bilmeden. Fi\u015fi \u00e7ektim ve h\u0131zla kapatt\u0131m. Madem beni bu kadar y\u0131l sonra adam yerine koymuyorlard\u0131 ve kimsenin beni b\u00f6yle yermeye hakk\u0131 yoktu. Art\u0131k birinden ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kartmal\u0131 ve hesap sormal\u0131yd\u0131m. Peki ya o duyguya kap\u0131lmasayd\u0131m, g\u00fclebilseydim ve d\u00fcn \u00f6yle hissetmeseydim ne olurdu?<\/p>\n

Kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcne geldi\u011fimde durup, \u015f\u00f6yle bir solukland\u0131m, ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m derin nefesle biraz olsun sakinle\u015fmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m ve ikinci kez d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeme f\u0131rsat vermeden kap\u0131y\u0131 h\u0131zla a\u00e7t\u0131m. Bir s\u00fcre durdum ve etraf\u0131 inceledim, telefonda s\u00f6ylemek istedi\u011fim \u015feyler beynimden bir bir ak\u0131p ge\u00e7erken cesaretimin k\u0131r\u0131lmamas\u0131 i\u00e7in i\u00e7imdeki \u00f6fkeyi beslemeye devam ettim ve sonunda vaz ge\u00e7tim. Bir s\u00fcre \u00f6ylece durdum ve bir \u015feyler yapmas\u0131n\u0131 bekledim. Yapmad\u0131. Eleri tastetur\u2019 un dan ay\u0131rmad\u0131. Hi\u00e7 kimse beni akl\u0131mdan dahi ge\u00e7irmedi\u011fim konular hakk\u0131nda t\u00f6hemet alt\u0131nda b\u0131rakamazd\u0131. Y\u0131llar\u0131n ard\u0131ndan \u00f6\u011frenmesi gereken ve hatta aptalca g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ruh halim b\u00f6yleydi. \u00c7ok k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m yazma fikri akl\u0131ma geldi\u011finde ; Akl\u0131mdan ilk ge\u00e7en \u015fey tam da buydu i\u015fte. \u2018\u2019 G\u00fcven, sevgi ve sayg\u0131 kaybetmemiz gereken duygular\u0131md\u0131. Leyla ile Mecnun Kerem ile Asl\u0131 birle\u015febilselerdi a\u015fklar\u0131da bu kadar b\u00fcy\u00fck olmazd\u0131 san\u0131r\u0131m. A\u015fk ve ayr\u0131l\u0131k birbirini besleyen iki duygu biri olmazsa di\u011feri var olamaz. A\u015fk ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131 ba\u015flatt\u0131 ayr\u0131l\u0131k a\u015fks\u0131z yapamad\u0131. do\u011fan \u00e7ocuklar\u0131mz\u0131n ad\u0131 Sevgi oldu. Biz ise hi\u00e7 bir \u015fey yapmad\u0131k. En az\u0131ndan do\u011fan \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131zla ya\u015famay\u0131 becerebilmeliydik. Umuda do\u011fru ko\u015fabilmeliydik k\u0131rmadan d\u00f6kmeden.<\/p>\n

24.Jul.2013 N\u00fcrnberg<\/p>\n

Mehmet Tefik \u00d6zkartal<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bu g\u00fcn geriye bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131mda bu yaz\u0131m\u0131 okurken g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemesini g\u00f6r\u00fcr gibiyim.\u00a0 Eskiden\u2019de \u00e7ok yak\u0131\u015f\u0131rd\u0131 g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemek ona. G\u00fcl\u00fcmsemekten asla vazge\u00e7memesi gerekti\u011fini defalarca s\u00f6yledi\u011fimi hat\u0131rl\u0131yorum. O g\u00fcl\u00fcmsedi\u011fi zaman etrafa yayd\u0131\u011f\u0131 mucizevi \u0131\u015f\u0131k \u0131s\u0131t\u0131rd\u0131 sanki i\u00e7imi. Kalbimdeki, ac\u0131lar kafamadaki sorular bir bir yok olurlard\u0131 sanki. Kaderimizdi bizim; hi\u00e7 ummad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z bir anda bizi uzun y\u0131llar \u00f6nce biraraya getiren. Beklenmeyen bir […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[40],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1537"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1537"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1537\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1634,"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1537\/revisions\/1634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1537"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1537"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/xn--zkartal-80a.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1537"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}